


all that i have (all that i need)

by smokingthedrugs



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: "two bros, (au where chirstine rejects jeremy), (bc shes aroace but nobody knows that yet), (they're both pining HARD), Angst, Anxiety, Boyf friends, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Rollercoaster, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, Kissing, M/M, Marijuana, Mutual Pining, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Rejection, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, as in it's in this universe but not mentioned, but it exists, casually confessing their love for each other, costco fries (for lail), don't weed and drive kids, five feet apart cuz only ones gay", im pretty sure there are other broadway references but i forget, jeremy is bi, lots of angsttttt, michael is gaaaaaaaaaay, procrastination, secret richjake and pinkberry, self deprecation, the squip has they/them pronouns, whoops, writing this instead of another fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2018-11-30 12:42:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11463837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smokingthedrugs/pseuds/smokingthedrugs
Summary: Michael and Jeremy are both pining (featuring rejection and angst)*alternate ending posted*





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is my first boyf riends work i've posted, and it's a roLLERCOASTER. there's a lot of stuffs. and a lot of words for a oneshot i guess. 
> 
> i'd love to hear criticism. it's literally my favourite thing in the world. 
> 
> and i might add on to this? i don't know yet.
> 
> also, if anyone here is from sincerely, me. i'm sorry. of course i'm procrastinating with chapter 4. i'm working on it kind of, but procrastinating. 
> 
> anyways, enjoy frens! *heart emoji*

“Just say what’s on your mind, Jeremy.” Jeremy took a breath, confident in what he was about to say. He had support from practically everybody he knew - Jesus, even his fucking dad. They were all certain she’d say yes. 

 

He looked at Christine closely. Her dark hair was up today, which was different, but she pulled it off. She had this black floral dress on, with those green tights that went down to her knees. She looked tired, but still pretty. And the way she looked at him, her eyes and expression soft… it didn’t stop his anxiety, obviously, but it helped dull it. And it gave him a bit more courage to do it, not chicken out this time.  

 

Jeremy was going to ask her out.

 

For real.

 

“Lunch? Just the two of us?” He said, pushing through his stutter and resisting the urge to hold his breath. Christine’s eyes flicked up to look at the ceiling for a moment and when she looked back, she smiled.

 

But it was a sad smile. Almost… _pitiful?_ Like she felt bad, or- Oh.

 

_Shit._

 

“Jeremy…” She sighed, tilting her head as she looked in his eyes. He already knew what was coming at this point. “I- I can’t…” Of course she couldn’t go out with him. She wouldn’t before, so why now? Oh God, Jeremy knew he shouldn’t’ve listened to everybody. Trusted them with such a big thing. _Fuck._

 

“I- erm. That’s, _cool_ , uhm.” Jeremy stuttered, dragging the toe of his shoe on the ground. He’d been rejected by her before, but now it felt worse. So much worse. Because for once, he’d expected good results more than bad. He hadn’t prepared himself for the inevitable. Christine frowned. _Great,_ now he was probably making her feel worse and just making everything ten times more-

 

“No, Jeremy, just-”

 

“I get it, it’s fine y’know-”

 

“But you need to-”

 

“It’s okay, Christine, you don’t need to explain your-”

 

“ _JEREMY!_ ” Christine looked sad. She looked like she’d done something _wrong_ . She’d just done what any other girl would have to him. Jeremy had to admit that the squip actually _did_ help with girls, and now that it was gone he was just reverting back to the skill-less loser he was before. Christine continued. “You- I- Just. I’m sorry. I… You’ve become a _great_ friend to me these past few months and, I don’t want to ruin that. Do you- do you understand?” _Oh no, that was even worse…_ She _friend-zoned_ him. This wasn’t even just rejection anymore, it was fucking _sad._ Christine started saying something and Jeremy just nodded distantly. He couldn’t focus on anything the girl in front of him was saying. Only able to think about just how _stupid_ he was. Why was he so stupid to ask her out again? Why would she like _him?_ Why would _anybody_ like him? Those guys - Rich, Jake, Chloe, Brooke, Jenna… - they were lying to him. They didn’t want to be his friend. They probably did this to embarrass him and get a good laugh. _Fuck._ He was an idiot.

 

“Yeah. I- yeah… So much understanding. All of the understanding. Erm-” Not knowing what else to say - or do - Jeremy turned around and walked away. He could hear Christine from behind him, but still couldn’t quite make out what she was saying. And he couldn’t turn back to her, not even if he wanted to, because now his body was bringing itself outside.

 

 _Autopilot_. His dumb way of getting out of terribly awkward situations.

 

Before he knew it, Jeremy was in the student parking lot, leaning against the door of a familiar looking car. He looked down, seeing a few stickers on the side of the bumper of the PT Cruiser from the corner of his eyes. _Michael’s car,_ he thought. Of course he was at Michael’s car. Michael, his best friend. He didn’t even understand why Michael still hung out with him. Jeremy left him at the drop of the hat. He didn’t deserve him. Not at all. 

 

With a sigh, Jeremy turned to face the door, bending down a bit and glancing through the window. Michael was inside, headphones on and fingers drumming on the wheel with one hand while his other was stuck outside the opposite door. Jeremy could see thick smoke rising up from out the window. He smiled a bit, a tiny bit of the tightness in his chest going away. But that stupid familiar feeling he’d been trying to push down resurfaced. Jeremy was just a fucking mess, a bisexual mess who had liked two people at the same time. One of those people being his _best friend._ He didn’t even know if Michael was gay or anything either. Michael had never dated any girls… or guys. But neither had Jeremy. So.

 

Shit, he just needed to get over the stupid fucking crush. It was weird. And Jesus, he’d just been _rejected_ by someone, in the saddest way possible. He should’ve been way sadder than he felt. Fucking _devastated_ because he’d liked her for _ages._ But he was just kinda. Disappointed? More so at the painful awkwardness of the situation and the fact that he’d kind of let everyone down, not because he couldn’t _date_ Christine. And worst of all, he still felt that stupid fluttering in the pit of his stomach when he looked at his best friend.

 

Yeah, like that was ever going to happen.

 

He knew Michael loved him, they even said it to each other sometimes and had since they were kids. But he loved him platonically _._ Loved him like a best friend. And that’s all they’d ever be. _Best friends._

 

Jeremy just needed to learn how to stop pining after people who obviously didn’t like him like that.

 

Jeremy shook his head and tapped on the glass of the window a few times before gaining Michael’s attention, who removed the headphones and waved Jeremy inside the car with a smile. Michael was always smiling, which was actually pretty refreshing to see after being around so many depressed and angsty teens in this school all the time.

 

As he opened the door, Michael raised his hand that wasn’t on the wheel, putting a joint to his lips and taking a hit.

 

“At school?” Jeremy laughed, and Michael rolled his eyes, turning his direction and blowing a cloud of white smoke in his face. “D-dude!” He coughed, batting the smoke away making Michael laughed even harder. Jeremy crossed his arms and Michael took a breath to stop his laughter, offering the blunt to Jeremy as an apology.

 

“Forgive me?” He said with a childish tone and big eyes. Jeremy took it and tilted his head with a smirk.

 

“Fine, but you’re still a dick.”

 

“I’ll take that as it is.” Jeremy rolled his own window down a bit, taking a huge puff of the joint and holding it in his lungs a bit too long, coughing hard when he released the smoke. Which probably made him look like an _idiot, Jesus._ Michael frowned as he took it back.

 

“Bad day?” Jeremy nodded. He couldn’t make any excuses and he knew that. Michael Mell had known him for almost thirteen years; he could read him like a book.

 

“Fucking. It’s been terrible, man.” Michael cocked his head, then pinched the end of the joint, stubbing it out and stashing it in a pocket at the side of his backpack.

 

“Awh, why are you putting it away?”

 

“Because Jeremy is having issues and needs to talk.” Jeremy forced himself not to smile.

 

“But I don’t _wannaaaa…_ ” He whined. Michael still pushed.

 

“Is it class?”

 

“No.”

 

“Is Rich being an ass again? Because I can kick his if-”

 

“No.” Jeremy sighed, shaking his head. “And I’m pretty sure Rich could knock you out with like, one punch, Michael.” Michael smiled, but stopped for a second, looking a bit nervous.

 

“It wasn’t… The-” Michael tapped his head. Jeremy knew he was obviously referring to the squip by the serious look on his face. “Was it?”

 

“ _God_ no. At least, not yet.”

 

“That’s good,”

 

“Uh-huh.” Jeremy knew what was coming next, so he wasn't surprised when Michael asked:

 

“Oh, how’d it go with Christine?” Jeremy slumped in his seat, groaning. “Mm. That’s what it is?” Jeremy just wished the seat would come alive and eat him right there or to spontaneously combust or something because holy _shit_ was this embarrassing. He shouldn’t’ve fucking asked her at all.

 

“Ughhhhhhh…”

 

“What happened?”

 

“We had a nice conversation about the Keanu Reeves motherfucker- also, y’know what her’s looked like?” Michael raised his eyebrows. “Hillary Clinton.” They both laughed.

 

“Pfttt, really? Seems very... _her._ At least from what I know.”

 

“I know,”

 

“Alright, go on.” Jeremy’s laughter disappeared as Michael encouraged him. He sank deeper into the seat.

 

“Then I asked her out.”

 

“...and?”

 

“And she friend-zoned me.” Michael sucked at his teeth, cringing at Jeremy’s misfortune which only caused him to groan again.

 

“Jesus-”

 

“Said she didn’t want to _ruin our friendship._ Which, I totally understand! But I just feel. Stupid, I guess? Like, _obviously_ she doesn’t like me like that. Who would?” Jeremy let his shoulders hunch down so his body curled in on itself. He could still see Michael out of the corner of his eyes.

 

“I’m sure plenty of people would.” The boy said quietly, looking away. Jeremy looked at him closer. He could see the blush around Michael’s nose and cheeks and or point-zero-two seconds his mind lingered on the sentence. Michael seemed sort of shy or embarrassed. But Jeremy just shook his head, not pushing the dumb thought away. He was overthinking it. Like always. Michael waved his hands in front of him for a second, flustered. Which was not a Michael trait. “I-! I mean, like, don’t think so low of yourself and shit.” He corrected, clearing his throat and fixing his glasses. Jeremy laughed bitterly.

 

“Oh c’mon! Like who?” He asked. He knew Michael was bullshitting him, just trying to make him feel better and it was annoying.

 

“I’m pretty sure Brooke _and_ Chloe wanted to fuck you.”

 

“Yeah, and I ditched Brooke for Chloe, _rejected_ Chloe, and then she ended up fucking Jake instead. _And then_ all of a sudden Brooke and Chloe are dating while I was just the asshole kind-of-ex.” Jeremy pointed out. Michael frowned.

 

“But that wasn’t _you_ Jeremy.” He said lightly. Jeremy shook his head.

 

“Michael, it was. I was in there, I could’ve said no. Could have stopped...”

 

“You literally couldn’t though.”

 

“The squip was off for some of it,” Jeremy tried, but he was lying. And he knew that Michael knew it wasn’t actually off until later.

 

“You told me that it wasn’t. Until the thing in the bathroom anyways...” He said, proving Jeremy’s point. Jeremy thought Michael looked a bit… sad, after that, but it went away quickly.

 

“Yeah, where I was a complete dick without any help from a dumb supercomputer.”

 

“But I told you I didn’t care. And it’s not like someone wouldn’t date you because you were a dick, like, _once._ ”

 

“I almost destroyed, like, all of humanity!” Jeremy almost yelled, trying to get his point across. It was his fault, he could’ve stopped everything but he just wanted to be _cool_ and _popular…_ As soon as he saw the shoebox of squips he should have stopped. He should’ve fucking listened to Michael at Jake’s party when he was telling him about how bad the squips really were, he should-

 

“Once again, _not you._ ” Michael interrupted his thoughts. Jeremy put his head in his hands.

 

“I- Uh, gah.” He stuttered, nothing else to say in response. “Just shut up and leave me _beeeeee,_ ”

 

“No! You’re being an asshole.” Jeremy raised his head.

 

“To… myself?” He asked, confused.

 

“Yeah. Stop.”

 

“But self-deprecation is my only strong suit.”

 

“Shut up. No it’s not.” Jeremy tried to search for a comeback but still had nothing. And he knew Michael would just find a way to win the argument anyways. His attempts were futile.

 

“Can I just. Please have more of your weed?” Jeremy asked, changing the subject. He just wanted some sort of distraction. From Christine, from his thoughts, and especially from the way Michael’s lips parted slightly when Jeremy talked - he had great lips by the way - or how he knew the other boy was _really_ listening to him. Not hearing, but _listening._ He shook his head. “Y’know, as a pick-me-up from my favourite ol’ buddy ol’ pal? I’ll stop it with the self-deprecation, I promise.”

 

“Fine. But only because I’m nice. And chill it with the hits, dude. Don’t fucking choke to death this time.” Jeremy tittered at that.

 

“Wasn’t going to, but it sounds pretty tempting now that you mention…” At Michael’s look, Jeremy shut his mouth.

 

“Fine. Sorry. Just give me weed. Please?” Michael smiled and went back in his bag to retrieve the blunt from his pocket, and Jeremy wasn’t hesitant to snatch it out of his hands and light it with the lighter that sat in his cupholder.

 

~~~

 

After passing the joint back and forth until it was finished, the two sat in silence. Comfortable silence. Relishing in the high and calmness. Jeremy and Michael both had sort of a high tolerance from smoking for a few years now, so they weren’t terribly high from the one joint. Just relaxed, chilled out. Which is exactly what Jeremy needed at the moment.

 

When the bell rang, Michael sighed and reached for his backpack that was in the seat behind him, stopping and looking at Jeremy who wasn’t moving. Jeremy couldn’t move. He couldn’t go to drama class right now and deal with the awkwardness and he knew Christine would probably just keep apologizing and trying to explain herself in a way that wouldn’t make Jeremy feel bad which would just make him feel _worse_ and then _he’d_ start apologizing and it would be such a disaster...

 

“Are we going? Or…?”

 

“But we probably smell like weed, Mikey.”

 

“I have Axe in my locker, dude. That shit is _strong._ Douchy, but _strong._ Nobody’ll notice.”

 

“Just.” Jeremy couldn’t think of a good enough reason to disagree. “Go ahead without me. I'll stay in your car.” Michael raised his eyebrows in question.

 

“You don’t have my consent.” He joked. Jeremy rolled his eyes. “My car, my rules. C’mon. What’s up?”

 

“I have drama next period.”

 

“Alright, and? I thought you were a total drama geek now.” Jeremy nodded sarcastically.

 

“Yup. Definitely.”

 

“ _So...?_ ”

 

“I have drama class. With _Christine._ ” Michael nodded understandingly, his eyebrows furrowing.

 

“Shit,”

 

“Yep! And I’d be totally cool with that, but I just asked her out and it’s going to be all awkward and then I’m going to freak out and mess up or something, and then Mr. Reyes is going to _murder_ me-”

 

“Okay, okay. So, what do you want to do?” Michael asked, leaning against the open door of the car.

 

“I already told you, I can stay in here.” Jeremy repeated, but Michael just didn’t seem to be having it.

 

“No you can’t, asshole. I’m a good friend who isn’t leaving my poor, miserable little Jeremy alone right now.” Jeremy snorted. “Now, what are _we_ going to do?” He rephrased.

 

“Ugh, I dunno. I kinda just want to like, eat a lot of food or something…?” Michael laughed, and Jeremy pouted at him.

 

“You’re such a girl.” Jeremy slapped Michael’s shoulder.

 

“Am not! I’m just. Sad. And hungry as hell.”

 

“Sure, sure.” Michael got back in his seat, starting up the car. “Where we going?”

 

“Driving high Michael? Really?” Jeremy reached for the keys and turned the car off again. Michael stuck his tongue out.

 

“C’mon, I’m like. Not even high.” Jeremy sighed. He knew Michael wasn’t gonna budge. But he was being pretty stupid. “We shouldn’t be going that far, anyways. Just getting food and going to my place. That’s cool, right? My parents won’t be home until Monday morning anyways because they went on some couples thing for the weekend.”

 

“But what if we get pulled over?”

 

“We won’t. And if we do. Then. We just won’t okay? Stop being such a Debbie Downer.” Michael said in either a really bad Wisconsin accent or a really bad Canadian accent. Jeremy laughed

 

“You’re an idiot.”

 

“And proud of it.” Michael stuck out his chin and smiled dumbly which Jeremy thought was cute. But he shut his brain up and ignored the thought, just shaking his head and rolling his eyes. “Anyways. S’that cool?” Michael repeated, and Jeremy nodded slowly, weighing his options. Staying at school was the smart idea but not happening. And Jeremy had no idea if his dad was home or not today, or what he’d do if he found out Jeremy was ditching. So, Michael`s parent-less house sounded like his best bet.

 

“Yeah, that’s fine. My dad would probably ground me if he knew I was skipping school.” He replied. Michael cocked his head.

 

“Would he really though?”

 

“Eh… well… probably not.” Jeremy shrugged. “But still.”

 

“Great. So what d’you want?”

 

“Dunno. I kinda want tacos,”

 

“Taco Bell it is.”

 

“ _-aaand_ a milkshake,”

 

“Jeremy,”

 

“-and like, seven cheese burgers,”

 

“Seriously.”

 

“-and also, they have these _great_ fries at Costco and I want, like, twenty-million garbage bags full of them.”

 

“Just pick one place already!”

 

“Okay, okay… Taco Bell is good.”

 

“Good,”

 

“But I also want Doritos and a lot of soda. I mean like, Coke, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, fucking _Fanta_ -”

 

“Fine. We’ll stop at the Sev’ Elev’ by my place than.”

 

“Perfect! Let’s go.”

 

~~~

 

The two ended up at Michael’s house after buying a shit ton of food - Jeremy bought like, all of Taco Bell _and_ Seven Eleven - and hid away in Michael’s bedroom because they both agreed that his bed was _much_ comfier than the old beaten down couch in the basement. Plus, they could smoke up there and air it out quickly in case Michael’s parents decided to pop up early for some reason. Michael let Jeremy pick whatever game he wanted, and they ended up playing Apocalypse of the Damned, picking up where they’d left off on level 16. It was a boss level, so they were having extra trouble beating it. At least Michael liked to think that was the reason why. Not at all because he kept staring at Jeremy and forgetting he was playing. But.

 

He couldn't help it, okay?

 

Yeah, maybe it was like, selfish or some shit to be like this after Jeremy’s big rejection. He’d liked Christine for so long it was practically like a break-up. And it’s not like Michael was making it about himself or anything like that. He wanted Jeremy to not be sad, so he let him buy the food, let him pick the games and have the most puffs from the joints they shared. He let Jeremy rant and talk for as long as he wanted - unless he was fucking criticizing himself and hating on himself because he didn’t deserve that - and he listened, didn’t just _pretend_ to be interested. Because anything Jeremy said was interesting to him. He was trying to be a good friend. But it was kinda hard when he just wanted to wrap Jeremy up in his arms and cuddle him until he felt okay again. To kiss him all over and tell him it was gonna be okay like all those cheesy romances because that always made them better. But, he supposed that was overstepping the boundaries of _best friend trying to be nice_ to _flaming homosexual with a flaming homosexual crush trying to get in his best friend’s pants._

 

Actually, maybe that was a little bit dramatic. But. All he knew is that he needed to fucking stop and just be a good friend. Focus on his stupid feelings later.

 

Michael looked up at the TV to see the _‘Game Over’_ screen on his half and almost threw his controller at the wall because he died. _A-fucking-gain._

 

“I swear to _FUCKING GOD_ if we don’t beat this soon I will chuck myself out the window.”

 

“Ditto. I can’t- zombie, three o’clock. I can’t believe how a level can take more than a week to finish. With two people. You look online and it takes, like, two seconds.”

 

“Behind you!” Michael warned. Jeremy spun his character around and blew the heads off of two zombies.

 

“Shit! Thanks.”

 

“No prob, bud.” Pause. “So um. Are you like, okay?” Michael asked, for lack of anything else to say.

 

“Sure, I guess. A little bummed. A lot embarrased. But, whatever. I’ll just have to accept that I’ll be single until I die.” Michael shook his head. A little part of him wanted to hug Jeremy and tell him that he was incredible and that he _knew_ Jeremy wouldn’t be single forever. But that would be kind of fucking gay, so he didn’t. It didn’t really seem like the proper time to confess his really gay feelings to his best friend who was 1) Probably not gay, and 2) Just got turned down by the girl of his dreams.

 

“Ugh, I told you to shut up about that.”

 

“It’s not even self-deprecation. It’s the truth.” Jeremy grumbled. Michael couldn’t help but frown.

 

“C’mon. You shouldn’t-”

 

“Why would anyone date me? Or like me at all? I’m a loser.” Michael wanted to raise his hand and be like, ‘ _hey, I have for a while,’_ but it seemed selfish. He felt selfish for even thinking about Jeremy as anything more than his best friend because he just got rejected by the person that _he_ liked and Michael should’ve been consoling him or telling him to get out there and try again. But a really selfish and greedy part of him was kind of. Glad, that Christine hadn’t accepted.

 

He was such a fucking bad friend.

 

“ _Were,_ Jer,” He tried, silencing his thoughts for now. “Now there’s pretty much a line of people wanting to be your friend.”

 

“Only because of the squip shit. Otherwise, I’d still have no friends.” Michael cleared his throat.

 

“Uhm?”

 

“You wouldn’t be my friend either.”

 

“Of course I would! Why would you-”

 

“I don’t deserve to have you as a friend. I’m a jerk. I called you a loser, I ditched you for like, _months,”_

 

 _“_ But that wasn’t your fault!” Michael almost yelled. He couldn’t fucking take Jeremy blaming himself so bad for the shit that happened with the squip. He either apologized every five seconds for it, or went on about how terrible he was until Michael had to force him to stop because Jeremy was.

 

Amazing.

 

Michael didn`t know how he could say such mean things about himself, _hate_ himself when every thing about him was just amazing.

 

At least, in Michael`s opinion.

 

Fuck, he was falling hard _._

 

No, he’d already fallen, now he was fucking tumbling.

 

Was that a thing? Who cared.

 

Oh _God_ his brain needed to shut the fuck _up_.

 

“Yeah it was! Everything that happened was my fault! You should hate me!” Jeremy shouted back, bringing Michael out of his thoughts.  

 

“Well, I don’t.”

 

“Why, Michael? Why?! Why don’t you hate me?” Michael could see tears pricking the boy’s eyes.

 

“Because I could never-”

 

“Just hate me already! I know I deserve it! Punch me! Hit me! Do _something!_ I deserve that, Michael!”

 

“Woah, woah, woah. Jeremy,” Michael took Jeremy’s shoulders, who flinched slightly and gripped onto his X-Box controller. “Stop.”

 

“But- but I- I…” Jeremy gulped. He wiped his face, which was slick with tears.

 

“Why the hell would I _hurt_ you?” Jeremy pulled away, to the other end of the bed, waving around his hands and then dropping them back on his thighs.

 

“Because I’m- Because… you wouldn’t... ugh! That’s the problem! Even when I’m being shitty, when you should be mad at me, should want to hurt me, you don’t. You’re too nice!” Michael frowned.

 

“...That’s a. _Bad,_ thing?”

 

“No! Yes! I mean-”

 

“And even if that’s what you’re saying _now,_ I know you don’t think I’m the greatest person all the time.”

 

“What!? But like, you _are,_ and that’s what makes me so. So mad! At myself, for being such a-”

 

“When that whole thing was happening with the squip,” Michael interrupted, not stopping to let Jeremy finish. “I knew you were avoiding me but I didn’t say anything until _you_ approached _me._ I just kinda sat there like _‘hey, I guess Jeremy’s finally rose up from rock bottom and doesn’t need me anymore.’_ And I just accepted it, because I knew that one day you’d finally realize that I was such a fucking _loser_ and it was my fault that you were never, _cool,_ or whatever.

 

“At Jake’s party last halloween, after we talked in his bathroom, I was sad because I knew that that was finally the end of our friendship. But I was also mad. I started thinking, about everything that you’d done - or, not done I guess - and for once I was mad at you. For ditching me, for everything.

 

“And a few months later, the day of the play, I realized that I was _so wrong_ for doing that. That, it wasn’t you, it was that fucking thing in your head. I knew all of the shit it could do from my Warcraft friend, but I didn’t try to help. I should’ve forced you to drink that Mountain Dew Red _weeks_ before the incident at the play, but I was blinded by the anger I felt. And,” Michael felt his face heat up and looked away. “Uhm.”

 

“Michael?” Jeremy asked, shaking his shoulder slightly. His voice sounded small. “What?”

 

“I- just… It’s nothing.”

 

“Okay…”

 

“But anyways, the only time I’ve ever _really_ been mad at you was then. And it was fucking selfish. You should be mad at me, for not trying harder to be your best friend.”

 

“Michael. You- it wasn’t _selfish,_ you’re allowed to be _mad._ You can’t- can’t blame yourself because I was shitty.”

 

“But _you_ weren’t _._ It was-”

 

“ _It was me too, okay!?_ ” Jeremy shouted this time. Michael could practically feel the pain in his voice. He could see the hurt in his face. And he wished it would just go away. “It was- it was _my_ choice to get the squip. _My_ choice to try to be more cool. _My_ choice to let the squip use optic nerve blocking on you. And that night in the bathroom? That was _me._ No squip involved. And you’re not even mad about it!”

 

“How can I be mad when you were going through all that? While i just sat around and _watched._ For months!”

 

“My issues don’t make yours any less valid!”

 

“I didn’t-”

 

“You can’t pretend everything's okay when it’s so obviously _not!_ Stop sugar coating it!’

 

“Okay, you know what? I was mad. Pissed, in fact. That you could just drop me like I was nothing! After _twelve years_ Jeremy! How you constantly ditched me, how you left me for these people who’ve bullied and made fun of you- of _us_ , for years! How you- you couldn’t even reply to my texts or play video games because you were too _cool._ And I’m mad at the fact that I can’t even hold a grudge, how I’d already forgiven you before you even apologized! _Fuck._ ” Michael felt this weight being lifted off of his chest. But he also felt terrible for blurting out what he was feeling. He felt _so_ terrible because Jeremy was obviously feeling so much and he just added to that. Just make him feel worse. He could already feel the stinging in his eyes. And could see the tears accumulating in Jeremy’s own. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be. I just. Thank you. For telling me.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes. I. I’m just glad you finally told me.”

 

“I just didn’t want to. Because. Because you already feel so terrible. And You need to know that despite what happened before, you’re still incredible. You’re not as terrible as you think.”

 

“Mich-”

 

“Seriously. You’re just. Fucking. Jeremy, I can’t even put into words how great of a- of a friend you are. You’ve been Always.” Michael finished, wiping his nose and sniffing. He felt like a tiny bit better, especially seeing the smile on Jeremy’s face even though he was practically bawling at this point. “I’d probably be dead and gone if you weren’t here…” He trailed off. _Shit._ Why had be said that? He was probably giving his friend anxiety. He’d already been through so much today and-

 

“How can you- how can you say that?”

 

“Because it’s true, Jer. I… whenever I see you or talk to you, you just. You make me feel like I’m not so… terrible? Like I’m worth it to _someone…_ ” Michael stopped himself this time. “Oh, Jesus. Maybe this is a bit-”

 

“Wha- No! just. Uhm-” Jeremy made a vague gesture with his hands that Michael assumed meant for him to continue. Which kind of surprised him. He’d thought maybe he was kind of… overwhelming the boy. But… he went on.

 

“Okay. Just. Jeremy, you’re such an amazing person, you just always make yourself think you’re less than you actually are and you need to know it’s not fucking true. You’re so great and loveable and the nicest person on the planet and I know you never mean to hurt anyone, and you’re just so modest about it all and-” Michael was cut off by Jeremy bounding forward and hugging him tightly, his face burning as he returned the gesture. They only held it for a second before Jeremy pulled away quickly, scooching back to the corner of Michael’s bed and coughing.

 

“Sorry…”

 

“No, uh, don’t be. But what was that for?”

 

“You’re just. So. _Nice…_ Why?”

 

“Well, because even after all that, and with like, the _entire school_ wanting to be you’re friend, you still came back… to me… even though I barely tried to help you until it was _necessary._ ”

 

“You… Michael, you literally saved all of us.”

 

“I- I just. I can’t help but think that I could have stopped it earlier. I really could have, before everything got so _bad,”_

 

“S-stop Michael. It’s not- it’s not your fault. Not in the slightest. Just. Please, stop.” Jeremy looked sad, _so sad…_ Michael hated that he caused that look. Hated the fact that his own self-deprecation hurt Jeremy so much. Jeremy, who literally said only like, an hour ago that _self-deprecation was his strong suit._

 

“I’m sorry Jer. But… I dunno. I just can’t help but feel somewhat responsible, y’know?”

 

“Yeah, I do.” Jeremy looked down at his shoes. Both of their X-Box controllers had now been abandoned somewhere on the floor. “I- I just don’t understand… All those things you said about me…”

 

“I meant everything.” Michael said softly, but still loud enough to make sure Jeremy heard him.

 

“You’re way too good a friend for me.”

 

“I’d have to say the same for you.”

 

“No, really, I don’t deserve you.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Mikey?”

 

“Yes, Jeremiah?” Jeremy smiled at the nickname.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“What for?”

 

“For… just. Being here, I guess? After everything...”

 

“Don’t thank me. I love hanging out with you. And talking to you. And playing video games with you. And the fact that you watch cringey eighties movies with me. And how you put up with me and my shit. And.” Michael stopped himself taking a breath. “And…”

 

“W-what?” Jesus, the look on Jeremy’s face. He was blushing and smiling and just looked incredibly fucking _adorable_ and-

 

“I- I… Shit, Jer. You don’t even- just.”

 

“What’s wrong?” And it was all just too much because he had a super gay crush on his best friend of twelve years and he just _couldn’t_ help it and-

 

“Oh my god I’m about to do the stupidest thing and you’re going to hate me forever-”

 

“Michael?” And he was just so incredible and perfect and he didn’t even acknowledge it and Michael just wanted to take his face in his hands and tell him because he needed to know that he was just-

 

“I-”

 

“What is it?” He was just so amazing and he was such a dork and his fucking _smile_ holy shit-

 

“I. Just. I-”

 

“Fuck, Michael, just tell me!” And honestly he couldn’t care less right now because he had to tell Jeremy because he deserved to know that somebody liked him, _really_ liked him and Jesus fucking Christ he just couldn’t hold it in anymore-

 

" _I LIKE YOU OKAY???_ Like, like you like you. A lot. A _lot_. And I know right now is like a weird time but like I just had to say it because I just like you _so much_ Jeremy you don’t even get it and like-" Michael blurted out, hands immediately flying up to his mouth to block anything else from coming out. The words were out in the open, finally getting rid of the weight that had been piling on his shoulders for the past few years. But also increasing the anxiety in the pit of his stomach because _holy shit he just told Jeremy he_ liked _him…_ "Oh, oh shit... shit, shit shit… Jeremy, I didn't mean-" Jeremy shushed him. His eyes were wide.   
  
"Y-you, _like_ me?"   
  
"Uhm..." Michael looked away, his hand finding its way to the back of his neck awkwardly. "I. Well. Yes..."  
  
"Why didn't you... t-tell me? Or..."  
  
"It's uh..." Michael coughed. He wasn't exactly sure how to go about saying this. Any of this. He shouldn't have said anything. "Not that easy, Jer. You of all people should understand." Jeremy looked at his hands, his shoes, the wall, the floor, then glanced at Michael briefly. His eyes looked cloudy and confused. As soon as Michael caught the boy's gaze though, he looked away, looked anywhere _but_ Michael. And he knew he’d obviously fucked up _bad_.  
  
"But you... You encouraged me to ask out Christine... Gave me _advice._ " Michael shrugged. His throat burned.  
  
"Well, y-yeah. Had to be there for a bro, y'know? You've liked her for a million years and I can't just- just be an asshole and not try to help. I thought she liked you too, anyways..." Michael trailed off near the end. He really had thought they would end up dating.  
  
Which.   
  
He didn't really know how to feel about that.   
  
"But... What if she had've accepted?"  
  
"I guess... I'd be crushed… but I'd also know that we'd always at least be friends. Y-you'll always be my Player Two... I mean. I hope." Jeremy smiled a bit at that, eyes flicking up to Michael before darting away again.   
  
"You- I- I don't understand..."  
  
"Well I. It's. Complicated...? I guess... I couldn't tell you because that's like, super gay and you're like, super not. So. It would've made this - what we have right now - awkward. And I- didn't want that. We’ve been friends for like, _ever…_ " Jeremy nodded slightly as Michael spoke, either silent agreement or just how he was taking it all in. Michael couldn’t tell if he was taking it good or bad.

 

Or if he was straight.

 

Jeremy had never talked about guys that way… just girls. 

  
  
_Jesus Christ,_ he should've kept his fucking mouth shut.   
  
  
Before Michael could add on, Jeremy looked at him, face completely serious.  
  
  
"But what about like, when I've gotten changed in front of you?"   
  
  
"Jesus Christ, Jeremy! I'm _gay,_ not a pervert." Michael laughed, coughed. He wasn’t entirely sure if Jeremy was being serious, but the idea made his face warm up. Jeremy's face turned red too.  
  
  
"S-sorry." He mumbled, chewing on his lip. Michael smiled a bit and waved him off.    
  
"Whatever, dude. Common misconception." He joked, completely ignoring the fact that he'd just fucking like. Legitimately, formally came out to his friend.   
  
Who he liked.   
  
_This couldn't end good._   
  
After a few awkward seconds Jeremy looked back at Michael, clearing his throat.  
  
"Michael?" He said, voice cracking slightly.   
  
"Jeremy?"   
  
"Uhm. I'm not exactly uh. _Straight,_ y'know..." He raised his hand to his face, now chewing on the sleeve of the blue cardigan that he never seemed to take off. Michael swallowed the lump that he didn't notice was in his throat. It didn't quite go away.    
  
"Oh." Shit. _Shitshitshit,_ that was obviously a stupid reply. But he just. He didn't know what else to say. He couldn't really think. At all.

 

That was.

 

He didn’t expect that.  
  
"Yep..."   
  
"But I thought-"   
  
"Nope."   
  
"So you're like-"   
  
"Mhmm."   
  
"And-"   
  
"I'm uh..." Jeremy interrupted, clearing his throat. "I'm bi."   
  
" _Oh._ "   
  
They both started laughing.   
  
"How in the actual _fuck_ have we been friends for _twelve years_ and not known this?!"   
  
"What is _wrong_ with us?!”

 

“I know! Like. What the fuck.”

 

“Why didn’t we _tell each other?!_ ”

 

“That would have saved me a lot of stress.”

 

“Me too!”

 

“Dude, I thought you were fucking straight!”

 

“Guess not,” Jeremy said, shrugging his shoulders. “Shit, I should've suspected you were gay, you care _way_ too much about your hair." Michael rolled his eyes.   
  
"Oh fuck you, tall-ass."   
  
"Nice plagiarism, gay-ass." Jeremy recoiled, smiling widely. Michael couldn’t help but smile back. He was glad that most of the tension from earlier seemed to dissipate.   
  
"I take absolutely zero offense to that."   
  
"Of course you don't." Pause. "So, about earlier..." _Aaand_ there it was again.   
  
"Oh my god please never bring that up again unless you want me to die of embarrassment."   
  
"Yeah, but-"   
  
"Just stop, that was so weird and like-"   
  
"Michael!" Michael stopped, nodded. "I- I think I like you too… no. No, I- I do. Like you like you." Michael thought he was about to die of organ failure right then and there because. Jeremy actually. _Liked him…?_ Jeremy Heere, the apparent bisexual nerd who he’d been crushing on since like, eighth grade liked him back?   
  
"You. Y-you..." Jeremy nodded. “But I thought… _Christine…?_ ”

 

“I- I don’t think I really… _Really,_ liked her. I had a feeling she’d say no today, and I wasn’t going to ask her out at all but everybody was kind of… Pressuring me…”

 

“F-for how long…?”

 

“A w-while actually. Uhm. Maybe like. Sophomore year? I started thinking at least… But I- I couldn’t say anything because I knew you’d just think it was weird… And then when the squip thing happened…” Jeremy gulped. “They… Made me feel bad for liking you. For _being friends_ with you.”

 

“Jesus, Jeremy…”

 

“I- I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner-”

 

“Dude. I’m just as guilty.”

 

“How long did-”

 

“Uh… Eighth grade…?” Michael said sheepishly, looking away because _that_ was fucking embarassing.

 

“R-really?”

 

“Yeah… I uh, well at first I was trying not to because I thought it was weird that I liked you since you’re my best friend, and, well… a guy. But back in freshman year was when I realized I was gay and that it was like. Normal. And I thought about telling you, until those seniors started calling making those gay jokes about you and you reacted so badly… so… and then there was Christine…”

 

“I’m s-”

 

“Stop apologizing, Jer. It’s not your fault.”

 

“I r-remember that whole gay joke thing… I guess acted so badly because… because I knew I wasn’t straight so… just. I tried to hide it so I could be _normal._ It was so stupid… oh, and the squip just made it all so much _worse..._ ”

 

“We should have fucking told eachother.”

 

“I know.” Michael took a second to get all of his thoughts together.

 

“So… you _like_ me?” Jeremy asked. Michael noticed his blush increasing and a tiny smile appearing on his lips. He nodded.

 

“Yes. And you _like_ me?” Jeremy nodded himself and laughed. No. _Giggled._   
  
"Well then," Michael whistled, eyes trained on the ground. "Today ended up gayer than I thought." Michael tried not to cringe at himself for making a joke after Jeremy Heere said - _again_ \- that he fucking _LIKED HIM BACK._ Jeremy smiled though, punching him lightly on the shoulder.   
  
"Shut up."   
  
"Can ya' blame me? Two bros, casually confessing their love to one another in the _bedroom_ of all places-"   
  
"Okay!" Jeremy squeaked, voice cracking majorly. He bit his lip and smiled. "A bit over dramatic, Mike." Michael sucked his teeth.   
  
"Ugh, you're calling me _'Mike'_ now? That sounds so douchebag-y."   
  
"Sorry! I just. I'm a bit uh. _Flustered?_ Right now? Uhm."   
  
"I can tell."   
  
"How are you so- so _chill_ about this?"   
  
"W-well. Uh. I'm actually sort of freaking out. Just keepin’ it on the down-low..." Laugh. "I'm uh, not exactly sure what else we’re supposed to do now. Uhm..."   
  
"Me neither." They barely looked at each other, but Michael could tell Jeremy was still smiling. And he was too. He could also notice the heat coming from his face, but it was “What do they do in like, movies?” Jeremy asked after a moment. Michael scoffed, shaking his head.

 

“Ugh, I dunno, hella cheesy shit, which. No thanks.” They laughed again, Jeremy nodding his head in agreement.   
  
Michael and Jeremy sat in silence for a few moments with nothing else to say, still sitting on opposite corners of Michael's bed. The Apocalypse of the Damned music played softly in the background, and the TV had darkened from being paused for so long. Michael looked down at his hands, picking awkwardly at the skin of his thumb. He could see Jeremy out of the corner of his eyes, still chewing idly at the sleeve of his cardigan. Michael felt the corners of his mouth move upward in a soft smile. Jeremy looked nervous and shy - traits he had never possessed when they hung out alone. He was usually pretty loud and rambunctious, just like Michael. _Especially_ when playing a game like Apocalypse of the Damned. They usually shouted at each other, not pausing until the level they were on was over.   
  
To be completely honest, Michael thought Jeremy was acting like he used to with Christine. A blushing, stuttering mess. Adorable.   
  
_Really_ adorable, actually.   
  
Everything about him was. The way his hair curled around his ears now that it was longer, or how he’d bite his bottom lip whenever he was concentrating or thinking really hard, or how his face scrunched up when he was laughing, the redness in his cheeks when he was embarrassed, the way he'd smile - _really_ smile - when Michael cracked one of his dumb jokes.   
  
The way he was looking at Michael right now, eyes darting from his eyes to his lips, to the empty space between them on the bed where their hands sat only inches apart.   
  
Jeremy chewed his lip again, eyes now looking away from Michael, just firmly at the empty space in the middle of them. Michael felt his own gaze being averted from the boy to that one spot.

 

Their hands were really close and a part of Michael just wanted to reach over and grab Jeremy’s hand, but he wasn’t sure if that’s what he wanted. If he’d just pull away or give Michael a weird look because handholding was so fucking _cheesy._  
  
It seemed like something sparked just then, as the two both looked up at the same time, at each other. Jeremy's eyebrow raised slightly, asking Michael silently for his permission to do something - Michael nodded quickly even though he wasn't a hundred percent positive that Jeremy wanted the same thing he did.   
  
He trusted him. Knew he wouldn’t do anything Michael didn’t want.  
  
Michael was surprised at how fast Jeremy managed to slide his hand closer, fingertips grazing Michael's knuckles. His hand closed around Michael's own, Jeremy's skin feeling cold but his touch warming up Michael's palm, his entire body. He smiled a nervous, goofy smile and squeezed Jeremy's hand lightly, receiving both a squeeze and a soft smile in return.   
  
Michael knew he was being so fucking lame, getting all giddy over being able to have Jeremy's hand in his own, but it was surprisingly.   
  
_Nice._   
  
He'd been pining after Jeremy for years now, never being able to even imagine _any_ kind of intimacy between the two because he knew it wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ ever happen, relishing in the times they'd shared together already.  
  
And this?  
  
This was pretty damn amazing.   
  
He'd always thought handholding was just some dumb thing couples did for _couple-reasons_ , but right now it felt like the entire fucking world to him. Like the only thing he could even focus on at the moment was Jeremy's cold skin and the warm fuzzy feeling in his chest.   
  
"Hey," Michael was brought out of his thoughts by the slight pressure on his hand and Jeremy's soft voice. He looked up from their joint hands to Jeremy's face. It wasn't insanely red like before, just slightly around his cheeks and nose. He also had this semi-smile that didn't seem to falter, which Michael knew he must've had as well. His cheeks were beginning to ache from smiling so much, but he couldn't stop. he was so. _Happy._ Content.   
  
"Hey." He smiled, fingertip brushing gently at the back of Jeremy's hand. It felt great being able to do that, even if it was just an action _so_ small and insignificant. It just meant so much to him. And the fact that it had only made Jeremy smile widen was a plus.

 

Times a thousand.  
  
"Your hand is really warm." Jeremy said, closing the space between the two so their thighs touched. Michael laughed.

 

“I’d say the same, but your hand is really fucking cold actually.”

 

“It- it is?” Jeremy asked, pulling away for a second and feeling the hand that was linked with Michael’s. “Oh- yeah. I- I’ve never actually noticed before. Sorry-”

 

“Sorry? Why are you sorry?” Michael interrupted, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Jeremy sighed.

 

“I- just. I don’t know.” He shook his head, mostly to himself.

 

“Don’t be, you dork.” Michael laughed, offering his hand again. Jeremy took it and held it tightly, looking in Michael’s eyes while biting his lip.

 

“M-Michael?” He asked after a few seconds.

 

“Yeah? What’s up?” Jeremy raised his other hand to his head and fiddled around with the curls sheepishly.

 

“Would you… can I… Michael can I kiss you?” Michael felt his face burn up and Jeremy turned his own away, blushing profusely. Michael thought his heart melted and stopped and exploded all at the same time. Jeremy, who liked him - in like, a non-platonic way - who was holding his hand right now, wanted to _KISS. HIM._

 

“I- You- I-” Michael stuttered. If Jeremy wasn’t still squeezing his hand he would have _sworn_ he was dreaming. “Yes. Please.” Was all he could manage, and then Jeremy was moving even closer, perching lightly on Michael’s lap, and _oh God_ they were only inches apart. The next thing he knew, Jeremy’s hands were on his cheeks, now feeling so _hot_ against his skin, not cold like they were before. Michael tried to make his hands quit shaking as they snaked around his waist. Jeremy blushed as he looked into Michael’s eyes, and Michael knew he did too. Jeremy just looked so beautiful. So gorgeous. With his hair hanging a bit over his eyes, and his light, sky blue eyes looking at him shyly. Jeremy leaned in closer, and his lips were against Michael’s, moving softly and then Michael realized he had no idea how to kiss at all. And that he’d never kissed anybody, _ever._ But he was following Jeremy, his eyes fluttering closed. Jeremy’s lips were chapped, he noted, but it still didn’t change how warm and wonderful they felt against his. The kiss was sloppy and messy, noses scrunching against each other and Michael’s glasses clunking against Jeremy’s face,  but Michael couldn’t have asked for anything else. The two pulled away a moment later, Jeremy’s face was red as he wet his lips. Michael felt like all of the oxygen had been knocked out of his lungs and his own mouth felt tingly.

 

He just felt just great.

 

The boys looked at each other, Jeremy’s head tilted down slightly and Michael’s up. Michael had never noticed how pretty Jeremy’s eyes were. Well, he _had,_ but not like this. They were just such a nice colour and his eyelashes were long and he was just so fucking beautiful, _holy shit._ Jeremy smiled softly, and then his arms were around Michael’s neck as he pulled him in again and Michael’s grip around his waist tightened as he pulled the smaller boy as close to him as he possibly could because he just wanted to feel every inch of Jeremy against his chest and wanted to feel the warmth radiating off of him. They started out slowly, but the kiss was quickly deepened as Jeremy pulled his hands away and put all of his weight on Michael until his back was against his mattress and Jeremy was crouched over him, hands in his hair, on his cheeks and jaw, and Michael was in pure bliss. He slowly moved his hands up and down Jeremy’s sides, feeling the skin of Jeremy’s hips where his shirt had rode up which made the boy pull away and take a breath.

 

“You are _so_ pretty Jeremy,” Michael breathed in the millisecond that Jeremy’s lips weren’t attached to his. And when Jeremy was back down he kissed Michael even harder than before, but Michael used his strength to flip the boy onto his own back so he was hovering over him. He took off his glasses this time, reaching his arm over to place them on his bedside table so they wouldn’t fall off of his face. And he took Jeremy’s face in his hands and smiled before lowering himself back down.

 

“M-Mikey…” Jeremy mumbled against his lips, and Michael pulled away again. Jeremy pulled himself up, now having Michael sitting lightly on his lap. “I think- w-we should probably s-stop.” He said between breaths, and Michael nodded. Maybe things were getting a bit heated, but just.

 

Holy. _Shit._

 

“That was. Amazing, Jer. You’re amazing.” Jeremy blushed and looked away for a second, before leaning in and giving Michael a peck on the lips.

 

“T-thanks. You are too.” Michael brushed a strand of hair from Jeremy’s face and. He really appreciated Jeremy with messy hair. It looked curlier and just added to his looks. Jeremy could probably pull off anything, Michael thought. He was so fucking beautiful. “Michael?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“We should d-do that again sometime...”

 

“Jeremiah Heere. Are you asking me on a date?” Michael joked, and Jeremy’s face went even more red as he flailed his arms around in front of him.

 

“W-what?!” He stammered, and then took a short breath to calm himself down. “I- Uh. Yes. Yeah.” He said, taking Michael aback. He’d meant that as sort of a joke. Hadn’t expected the boy to actually… take him seriously. And Michael swore his heart must’ve skipped a beat.

 

“Huh… _?_ ” He breathed. Words failed to express what he felt right now. Jeremy smiled a bit, clearing his throat, and started again. He took Michael’s hand into his, and Michael could practically _hear_ the fluttering in his chest.

 

“Will you go out with me Michael Mell?” Michael never thought he could smile so wide. He kissed Jeremy again. And again. And again. Just short pecks on the lips, because that was the only thing he could to do at the moment. And Jeremy did his little fucking _giggle_ again which was probably the most adorable thing he’d ever seen in his life. It made him do that stupid snort-giggle thing that he fucking hated, but for some reason turned Jeremy’s smile into this big toothy grin that made Michael feel like he was about to implode. And now he could like, act on that instead of suffering like he had for _years_ , so he kept kissing Jeremy and snort-giggling and it kind of felt like too much but also not enough at the same time.

 

Today was fucking weird. Weird, but good. Michael hadn’t ever felt so many emotions at the same time as he did today. He and Jeremy had a fight? Then made up, then confessed their feelings and came out to each other, held hands, kissed, made out, and this?

 

_Wow._

 

That was a lot.

 

There was obviously still a lot to talk about aswell, but Michael just thought he could have this. _They,_ could have this. For all they’ve been through, they both deserved some peace. With the kissing, that was a very good addition.

 

Michael looked at Jeremy again. His face was kind of blurred without is glasses, But Michael could still see the blush dusting his face, and his expression. This _wonderful_ smile, all teeth, closed eyes that crinkled at the corners. Michael stopped with the kissing, instead leaning forward and pressing his forehead against Jeremy’s. The boy’s eyes fluttered open, and he lifted his hands to Michael’s face, thumbs brushing his cheeks. This time Jeremy leaned in, connecting their lips in a proper kiss. When he pulled away again, they two looked each other in the eyes. Any other time Michael knew Jeremy would’ve freaked out because he hated eye contact, but now he just smiled.

 

“S-so…?” He whispered. Michael could feel his breath against his lips. Michael had almost forgot about the question. He had to stop himself from nodding and banging his head against Jeremy’s, in favour of just taking a big breath and Giving Jeremy a wide smile.

 

“Of course.”


	2. i love you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alternate ending. takes place after: "I LIKE YOU, OKAY?!?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for suicidal idealation, but only for a second. not graphic or anything.

“ _I love you, okay?!_ ” Michael forced out, before clamping a hand over his mouth. Jeremy was staring at him, his blue eyes big and owlish, and Michael knew he had fucked up. He noticed the other boy’s mouth opening and shutting, like a fish underwater, and he looked away, hands dropping to his lap in defeat.

“Michael, I love y-”

“ _In love_ , Jeremy,” He cut him off, voice breaking. He couldn't bear to see the look on Jeremy's face anymore, standing up and covering his face with both of his hands. The bed squeaked in protest, along with Jeremy, but he couldn't make out his emotion from the tiny sound. “I don't- I'm not just saying ‘I love you, man’ like… platonically.” He heard the shifting of Jeremy on the mattress, the only sounds in the unbearably silent room. It felt like ages before Jeremy spoke again.

“I t-thought you were-”

“Straight?” Michael laughed dryly, wrapping his arms around his torso. “Have I _ever_ liked a girl, Jeremy?”

“You d-dated that girl Nicole-”

“In _grade three._ ”

“A-and you've never liked a guy before-”

“I liked _you_.” He spoke a little too loudly this time, his voice shaking. "I... I _like_ you." This isn't how he wanted this to go, wasn't the incredible reaction he'd imagined. And when he heard Jeremy getting up from his bed, it felt like his heart fell to his stomach. He squeezed his eyes shut, hearing Jeremy's footsteps coming closer and _closer_ -

“A-are- Michael, are you fucking w-with me?” He looked up at the sound of Jeremy's voice, the boy standing in front of him, on his tip-toes so the two of them were at eye-level, and Michael could only shake his head stiffly.

Jeremy slumped down in his place, his hands clenched at his sides and his jaw squeezed tightly shut. If he weren't Jeremy Heere, Michael could have thought he would deck him right there. But all he did was let out a shaky breath, and take a step away.

Michael could feel the tears in his eyes already, his breath catching and his hand reaching out instinctively and grabbing Jeremy's shoulder.

“Jer- M-Miah, _please_ , I-” Jeremy ripped himself away from his grasp, giving him a look that Michael couldn't even decipher.

“I- I c-can't do this right now.” Jeremy said firmly, turning around, and leaving before Michael could protest.

And just like that, the boy was gone. And before Michael could think anything of it, he was sitting against the wall, sobbing into his arms.

He was supposed to be Jeremy's best friend first. Before anything. But he'd screwed up. Jeremy was hurting, and he'd made it worse. And now…

Now he was alone.

Without an explanation from Jeremy. But… he supposed he didn't deserve one. He was a selfish fuck, who didn't deserve people as amazing as Jeremy.

And for the first time since the hospital, Michael wished he'd just gotten it over with on Halloween, and fucking offed himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whelp, instead of the dumb, makeout and then boyf riends ending, here's an angsty one. just because i don't exactly adore this fic anymore. 
> 
> should i add other endings??? any requests???
> 
> and uhm,,, thank you all for getting this bs over a thousand hits???
> 
> and spoiler,,, jeremy's feelings here are a mess.


	3. i'm sorry.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw for suicide. thanks @Lexi for the prompt,,
> 
> this takes place after the bad ending.

Jeremy hadn't expected his day to go so... well, so _shitty_.

First, the whole thing with Christine, which was _painfully_  embarrassing, and then Michael...

Now, Jeremy had feelings for the guy, he had to admit. He had since his sophomore year of high school, when he realized that jacking it to the thought of your best friend wasn't exactly the most... _platonic_  thing to do. It wasn't just because of his looks, either. It was the entire package- no, not that one.

Jeremy appreciated his personality more than anything. From his ridiculous kindness, to his sickeningly sweet smile, his buttery, dorky as hell laugh, the way he managed to make Jeremy happy no matter what the circumstance- whether it be after his mom left, to times in the bathroom together- hushed conversations when Jeremy wasn't having the greatest of days- to the hospital, after the Squip was out for good, and Jeremy didn't even know how to care for himself alone anymore. Even when things got tense, Michael was there.

Because... because Michael _loved_ him, apparently. And of course Jeremy reciprocated the feelings! He just...

It was tough, to say the words ' _I love you too'_  out loud.

And while he would've loved to reply to that with, ' _well damn, Michael, I'm really freakin' bisexual, and I love the shit outta you_ ', and then be swept off his feet in a kiss, and then be boyfriends and shit, he just-

His mind short circuited.

And he made a stupid mistake. A ridiculous, dumb, idiotic mistake, that he would probably regret for the rest of his life.

(And regret it, he did.)

He figured he could talk to Michael about it the next day, after psyching himself up, preparing a little love confession-slash-apology speech and everything.

But Michael wasn't at school.

And Jeremy couldn't work up the nerve to text, or call him, or do _anything_ , really.

Michael was upset, because of _him_ , which he understood. He fucked up; because he was a fuckup. Nothing unusual. He just needed to give Michael time- he deserved it, anyway. He could tell him the day after.

And in the meantime, he could eat his lunch in the library, and avoid Drama class.

He didn't want to explain any of his issues with his "" _friends_ "" from the Squip incident, and awkward interactions with Christine Canigula were _not_  his top priority.

And so, he waited. Giving himself more time to practice his speech, play out the conversation in his head, and calculate that he had a fifteen percent chance of _nailing it_.

That was something, right?

~~~

Michael wasn't there on Wednesday, either.

Or Tuesday, or Thursday, or Friday.

His Cruiser wasn't parked in the student parking lot, he didn't show up to _any_  of the Math or English classes that he and Jeremy shared, and Jeremy couldn't spot him walking the halls, or even sitting at the table they sometimes took up in the cafeteria, with a cherry slushie and some disgusting, on the brink of rotting gas station sushi that he'd always adored.

Jeremy texted him- seventeen times, throughout the three days and the weekend- and was left on read up until Sunday, when his messages were only marked ' _delivered_ '.

His calls all went straight to voicemail, never picked up. And at that point, he was getting worried.

Really, _really_ worried, because Michael hadn't been like this in a long time- to his knowledge- and usually, if he was feeling depressed or shitty, he'd at least text Jeremy to say ' _I'm okay_ '. But now?

Static.

Radio silence.

A soft buzzing that radiated through Jeremy's ears, and he was beyond anxious.

And so, on Sunday, he decided to be daring. Michael was obviously pissed, but Jeremy just wanted to make sure he was _okay_. And... maybe spit out his apology speech quickly, even though it was probably too late to use it.

(It was. Far too late.)

So he manned the fuck up, grew some balls for once, and walked to Michael's place- at nine in the morning.

He was that desperate; not even bothering to change from his pyjamas. His hair was all over the place, and the bags under his eyes were so purple they probably looked like bruises at that point, but he trudged on.

The door was unlocked, unusually, and so after a few knocks with no response, he let himself in. Michael's parents were still out of town, and Michael's car was parked in the driveway still, meaning he was the only one home.

It was unusually quiet, though. The only sounds being the thumping of Jeremy's heart in his ears. No movies, no video games, no music, no snoring, no nothing.

Jeremy swallowed thickly as he made his way towards the basement- and Michael's bedroom- the other boy's go-to hang out place when he was home alone, and almost choked at the overwhelming scent of pot.

Now, Jeremy had smoked a fair share of weed, and was familiar with the sweet, thick scent of the smoke. _Especially_ in Michael's basement, the- ' _ultimate stoner paradise_ ', as Michael had dubbed it.

But _this_? This was ridiculous. The entire room smelled of the drug, smoke circulating _everywhere_ , and as he moved down the stairs, it got even more difficult to breath without coughing.

And it wasn't only pot smoke. He could smell the cigarette smoke in the air, and something... unfamiliar. Something thick, and disgusting, and made him want to vomit.

"Michael...?" He called softly, trying not to trip over the mess covering the floor- wrappers from food, takeout containers...

_Pill capsules?_

... soda cans, clothes...

_Beer bottles?_

... a Nintendo controller, a few CD's-

Fuck, was that a _pen knife?_

Jeremy felt his heart beating quickly in his chest, pushing his way towards the curtain that separated the whole basement area from Michael's bed and bathroom, his hands shaking.

This was... pretty bad. He honestly hadn't expected _anything_  like this, and his stupid apology speech probably had a negative-three-percent chance of working, while the chance of him having a full on panic attack was at a-million-percent.

He shut his eyes tightly as he pushed the curtain to the side, with a bother soft call of Michael's name, and got a whole lot of nothing in return.

A practically empty 'bedroom', and complete silence, other than the _drip-drop_  of the faucet in the bathroom.

This had to be some kind of... trick, or _something_. Michael was probably just out for a walk, right? And if Jeremy peered in the bathroom door, he wouldn't catch a glimpse of his best friend, lying completely still against the bathtub.

Time wouldn't go in slow motion, and Jeremy wouldn't run up to Michael as quickly as possible, getting to see it all close up; his mouth covered with vomit and crusted blood, and his forearms a complete mess of cuts.

He wouldn't have to move in close, to wipe Michael's face with his hand while he whispered that he was ' _so sorry, Mikey, its all going to be okay, you're okay'_.

He wouldn't feel the tears running down his face, hot and salty and unforgiving, and he wouldn't have to rip his phone from his pocket to call nine-one-one, to explain with a shaky voice that his best friend was ' _dead, he's dead, he's gone, you need to help him_ '-

And most certainly, Jeremy wouldn't have to watch as paramedics burst into the basement bathroom, floor covered in dried blood and wet tears, in broken dreams and unrequited love, seeing Michael's phone drop from his pocket, the screen opening and showing a conversation, with one message from Michael that had failed to send;

' _i'm sorry._ '

But, he couldn't always get his way, could he?

It all happened. And he was gone.

Michael was gone.

And all he could feel was nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this cute oneshot got fucking /dark/, i'm sorry. 
> 
> again, if you want any other endings/plot progression, let me know!!!

**Author's Note:**

> ** also, a couple questions if anyone wants to answer. in your opinion;
> 
> 1\. do you think michael is player one or jeremy?
> 
> 2\. which is a top and which is a bottom?
> 
> just curious. i'd love to hear other people's opinions. *and i know it's canon that mikey is p1 and jer is p2 but i still love the debates
> 
> title from 'addict with a pen' by twenty one pilots (for no apparent reason, i just liked it.)
> 
> here's my twitter and tumblr if anyone has any suggestions or just needs to talk. my dm's are always open;  
> twitter.com/smokingthedrugs  
> smokingthedrugs.tumblr.com


End file.
